THE WEDDING PARTY  (1938)

(This is the pilot script for a proposed Laurel and Hardy radio series, 
was recorded before a live audience.  The other characters in the sketch 
are Patsy Moran (1905-1968) who appeared on several Laurel and Hardy 
films- she can be seen as Ollie's old girlfriend in "Block-heads" and 
Edgar Kennedy (1890-1948) of slow-burn fame whose connection with Laurel 
and Hardy went all the way back to their silent films.)

Ollie:  Well, the justice of the peace lives right up here, Stanley.  
Just think.  In a few minutes, you and Patsy will be one.
Stan:  One what?
Ollie:  One husband and one wife.
Stan:  But that makes two.
Ollie:  Oh, shut up!
Patsy:  Will you two can that chatter?  I want to get this wedding over 
     with.
Ollie:  Do you feel alright, sweetheart?
Stan:  I certainly do.  I feel fine and--
Ollie:  Not you! It's Patsy I'm talking to.  Now come on and let's go.  
     Ouch- my foot!  Will you watch where you're going?
Stan:  Well, I can't see a thing with this veil on.
Ollie:  YOU don't wear the veil- the bride wears it. Here, put it on, Patsy.
Patsy:  Thanks, Ollie.
Ollie:  Did you get some orange blossoms for her hair like I told you to?
Stan:  I couldn't find the orange blossoms so I got some oranges instead.
Patsy:  Yeah, real oranges--look!
Ollie:  Oh, so that's what hanging in front of your eyes?
Patsy:  Yes.
Ollie:  How do you keep them there?
Stan:  She's got bags for them.
Ollie:  Will you keep still?  Now let's go in to the justice of the peace.
Stan:  Ollie.
Ollie:  What?
Stan:  I'm scared.
Ollie:  Scared of what?
Stan:  Well, I'm going to marry Patsy, and we've only been going steady 
     for twelve years, and I'm kind of scared.
Ollie:  Now, don't be nervous.  Take a little shot of this.
Stan:  What is it?
Ollie:  Sixteen year old prune punch.  It'll boster you right up.  Here.

(sound:  Gurgling gullet)

Stan:  Thank you, Ollie.  Oh, boy--that's good.  Thank you, Ollie.  
     Here's the bottle.
Ollie:  Where's the cork?
Stan:  What cork?
Ollie:  The cork that was in the bottle.
Stan:  Oh, I thought that was a prune pit, and I swallowed it.
Patsy:  Say, will you please ring the bell and stop wasting my time?
Stan:  Okay.

(sound:  Bell)

Ollie:  Ring it louder.  We've got to wake the justice up.
Stan:  What's the matter?  Is he dead?
Ollie:  Ohhhhh!  Here, I'll ring it.

(sound:  Bell)

Ollie:  That's the way to do it.

(sound:  water being poured over Ollie from above)

Ollie:  Ohhhhh!
Stan:  What happened?
Edgar:  What's going on here?  What's all the racket?
Patsy:  We'd like to get married if it's not too much trouble.
Edgar:  Not too much trouble?  Getting a guy up at this time of the night!
Stan:  What are you squawking about?  We're up!  (Hiccups)
Patsy: The court's up too.
Ollie:  Now I can take my finger out of this bottle.
Edgar:  Well, as long as I'm up, come in.  (pause)  Well, are you coming 
     in or not?
All:  Sure...Yes, we're coming...Oh, yes.

(sound: entering the house.)

Edgar:  Now, which is which here?
Ollie:  Well, this is she, and that's it!  (Stan makes indignant noises 
     at being so described.)
Edgar:  My goodness, young lady, where did you get that veil you're wearing?
Patsy:  From my father.
Ollie:  He keeps bees, Judge.
Edgar:  Oh.  (To Stan)  Young man, you're very lucky to have a girl like 
     this.  (To Patsy)  Umm, my dear, you have lovely orange eyes.
Patsy:  Thank you, Judge.  Have one?
Edgar:  No, thank you.
Stan:   I'll have one if you don't mind.
Ollie:  You can eat later.
Edgar:  Now, miss, we'll have to fill out this certificate.  What's your 
     name, please?
Patsy:  Patsy Moran.
Edgar:  What?
Ollie:  Moran.  M-O-R-O-N.

(sound:  Judge hitting Ollie in the eye;  Ollie reacts.)

Edgar:  You keep out of this.  Now, what's your name?
Stan:  My name?  Laurel.  But call me Stanley for short.
Edgar:  And where were you born?
Stan:  Born?  Bridge, Minnesota.
Edgar:  Bridge?
Stan:  Yes, right on the bridge between St. Paul, and Minneapolis.  You 
know, I'll never forget that morning.  All the cows were coming around 
and there was such--                   
Edgar:  Will you keep quiet?  All right now.  Stand here before me.

(sound:  Stan hiccups)

Stan:  Excuse me.
Edgar:  Well, let's go.  I want to get back to bed.  Now, young lady, do 
     you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Patsy:  I do.
Edgar:  And you, Stanley-for-short.  Do you take this woman to be your 
     lawfully wedded wife?
Stan:  I-ah, I don't think so.
Edgar:  Why not?
Stan:  I've taken a dislike to her.
Ollie:  (Incredulous)  You've taken a dislike to her?
Stan:  Yep.  (sound:  Patsy crying, then fainting.)
Ollie:  Quick, Judge.  She's fainted.
Stan:  Get her some brandy.
Edgar:  I haven't got any brandy.
Patsy:  (Quickly)  A beer'll do.
Stan:  You're a fine judge.  No brandy!  Huh!
Edgar:  Now, just a minute, just a minute.  Did you or did you not wake 
me up out of a sound sleep to marry you?
Stan:  I don't remember.  (Hiccups)
Edgar:  And now you stand there and say you don't want to go through with it?
Stan:  Well, I'm sorry.  I changed my mind.  I couldn't help it.
Edgar:  (Yells)  Why, you little--
Ollie:  Come on, Patsy.  Let's get out of here.

(sound: Party leaving for outside.)

Patsy:  (Crying)  Oh, Stanley, you brute.
Stan:  I can't help it, Patsy.  I just--
Ollie:  Stanley.
Stan:  What, Ollie?
Ollie:  You came out here to get married, didn't you?
Stan:  Yes.
Ollie:  You took poor little Patsy away from her mother- her home.
Stan:  Yes, I know but--
Ollie:  You stood her up at the altar.  Only a cad would do that.
Stan:  (cries)  I'm sorry.  I--
Ollie:  Now we're going back in there and you're going to behave yourself.
Stan:  Ollie.
Ollie:  What?
Stan:  Give me another shot.
Ollie:  (Disgustedly)  Oh, here.

(sound: gurgling gullet)
       
Stan:  Oh, that's good, thank you.
Ollie:  Now kiss and make up.

(sound: large suction effect)

Ollie:  Oh, not me!  Patsy!

(sound: bell)

Edgar:  Oh, so it's you again, eh?
Ollie:  Now everything's straightened out, Judge.  I've talked to Stanley.
Edgar:  It better be.  Come in.  Now stand before me.  Young man, do you 
     take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Stan:  I do.
Edgar:  Fine.  Now, young woman, do you take this man to be your lawful 
     wedded husband?
Patsy:  I should say not.  I've taken a dislike to him.
Stan:  Well, can you beat that?
Edgar:  Why, you two little whippersnappers, I'll take the both of you 
     and wring your necks!
Ollie:  Come on, come on.  Let's get out of here.

(sound:  Party leaving for outside)

Ollie:  This is another fine mess you've gotten men into.  Now look 
     Patsy, you came out here to get married, didn't you?
Patsy:  (tearfully)  Yes, I know.
Ollie:  And when you get here, you leave him standing at the altar.  You 
     ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Patsy:  Oh, I'm sorry.
Ollie:  Now kiss and make up.

(sound:  Large suction effect)

Ollie:  Not me!  Stanley!  Now come on, let's go.
Stan:  Ollie.
Ollie:  What is it now?
Stan:  What about another shot?
Ollie:  Not now.
Patsy:  Make it two.
Ollie:  Wait until after you're married.

(sound:  bell)

Stan:  (to judge)  Surprise!
Edgar:  Surprise?  Why, you--
Ollie:  Oh, calm down, Judge.  Now everything is all settled.
Edgar:  Oh, it is, eh?  Step right in, folks.
Patsy:  Thank you, Judge.
Edgar:  Now stand before me.  Do you take this man to be your lawful 
     wedded husband?
Patsy:  I do.
Edgar:  And do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Stan:  I do.
Edgar:  Well, I won't marry you!
Ollie:  Why not?
Edgar:  Because I've taken a dislike to the whole bunch of you!
Ollie:  But, Judge-
Edgar:  Get out of here!

(sound:  party leaving)

Patsy:  Well, it looks like back to the laundry for me.
Stan:  Olie, what about that shot you promised me?
Ollie:  (Sweetly)  Oh, thank you, Stanley.  I'm glad you reminded me.  
     Here it is!!

(sound: gunshot.  Into theme, "The Dance of the Cuckoos".)